• Matt Keyser

Emery, your mom is a creeper

Hi, Little Girl,

So there’s something you need to know about your mom: She’s a total creeper.

I’ve known this since the days of when we first met and she stalked me down on Twitter—my work Twitter, no less—but the realization came front and center again Monday night when I caught her peeking out the blinds in our dark front office.

I could tell she was agitated. We were watching a movie on the couch and she was growing restless: walking in and out of the nursery, fiddling with her phone in the kitchen, pacing to and from the office.

“I hate when people don’t do what they say they’re going to do,” I heard her say multiple times throughout the night.

I hadn’t heard her move around for some time so I got up off the couch and out of the corner of my eye I saw her peeking out of the blinds waiting for the UPS truck to arrive.


She had let me know the week before that your stroller and car seat should arrive any time on Monday and that I should be alert (I stayed home from work after catching some wicked cold after your baby shower Saturday).


Noon rolled around, then 2…4…..6 p.m., and no UPS man, and no stroller or car seat.

So your mom paced and fidgeted and grew impatient.

Until a loud diesel engine came roaring through the neighborhood.

“The UPS truck is here,” she said lifting her head up off the couch.


Immediately she walked to the office and watched it drive to the back of the neighborhood. Minutes passed as I watched her try to keep herself occupied. Finally, when the UPS driver pulled in front of the house, she tried not to act too eager.


“I don’t want to open the door as he walks up,” she said.


Instead, she waited until the driver got back in his truck.


Even so, your mom: 10/10 creeper.

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